There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
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I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
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Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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