Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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