Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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