She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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