You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
