My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
