just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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