Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
