I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
