everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It's never too late to be topless.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
