shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
