I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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