took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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