Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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