I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
