remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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