She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
