Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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