Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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