no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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