My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
