My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize