the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
