i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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