a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
