you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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