i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
