i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
