I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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