The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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