worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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