a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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