I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
