A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
