Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i drank out of a bidet.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
