I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
