Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
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She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
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You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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