I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
