Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
