Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
