omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
