I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my being single is dangerous.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
