barbara walters just said penis...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
