i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Randomize
