grandma shit on top of the toilet
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
