Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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