I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
