Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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