I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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