Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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