You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
she peed on how many people?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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