Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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